Recently, Gordon Ryan and Ffion Davies, two prominent figures in jiu jitsu, have been discussing mental health, in particular as it relates to men. As usual on social media, there is a tendency to oversimplify the point – because Instagram is not a place to hold lengthy discourse, and social media encourages extreme viewpoints as they are the ones that drive engagement. Why write something nuanced and considered, when ‘Fuck this fucking pussy I hope he fucking dies’ will get more likes and comments? Also, most people on Instagram are dumb. Please note – what I wrote above is not a direct quote attributable to Gordon, nor did I say he was dumb. Turn off your reptilian reactionary social media brain for a second.
In this case, we have two opposing viewpoints in regards to mental health, particularly that of men. On the one side, we have Gordon Ryan telling us (in a roundabout and unspecific way) to man the fuck up, suffer in silence, shut up and do the work, and various other manly sayings. On the other, Ffion is encouraging men to speak out and seek help when they need it.
Let’s look at both sides, and try to ‘steel man’ them and make the best argument possible for them, and give a charitable interpretation of their message.
There are certain situations when ‘manning up’ is absolutely the right advice, and the right thing to do. If you open your eyes in the morning and feel unmotivated and don’t want to go to work? Man the fuck up. If you’re unsure whether or not to go to training because you’re a bit tired? Man the fuck up. Man up, or its equivalent and less sexist sayings, is actually a simplification of the concept of resilience, and of doing the right thing even when thanks is not forthcoming. Resilience is something we build every day in jiu jitsu. Resilience is a very positive trait. We come up against adversity every day when training, and in life. Building up our reserves of resilience, either mental or physical, is a great thing to do. It’s also difficult, which is why some are reluctant to do so. Some people have very deep reserves of resilience, and can endure a lot of pain and hardship. Others’ reserves are very shallow and they have a low tolerance to difficulties, either in sport or in life. We should all strive to improve and increase our reserves of resiliency every day. Complaining, moaning, giving up – these should be discouraged, if the work is achievable – without putting yourself in jeopardy, but it is a very fine line. The difficult part is knowing when is the right moment to admit defeat, or when to complain. In jiu jitsu and in life, it’s no different. Resist a submission too long, something will snap. And if you don’t seek help when you need it, the consequences can be very severe, even life-threatening.
Physical resilience is relatively simple to build – just work out, which means adding gradually increasing resistance to your movements. Mental resilience can also be built, but it is slightly more difficult as you are dealing with a far more complex muscle in the human brain. Mental resilience is built in the same way as physical – put yourself in gradually more uncomfortable circumstances and overcome them. It’s why competition in jiu jitsu is encouraged, or why doing and engaging in things that are intimidating is often so rewarding, once conquered, like public speaking or taking up a new hobby. Mental resilience is also built by overcoming obstacles that one has no choice in and did not choose voluntarily – because life is unfair and full of obstacles. Life is difficult, unfair, and challenging, for almost everyone, almost all the time. For this reason, it’s a fantastic idea to build up your reserves of mental fortitude. You should be seeking out challenges daily – ones that are just on the edge of what you are able to handle, so that you can experience growth with each obstacle overcome.
There are other ways to build the muscle in your brain – meditation, for example. Meditation can help you to put a layer of calm between your thoughts and your ‘self’, that might be the difference between you being so stressed that you can’t concentrate, or get through your day, or sleep, and you being able to handle your problems efficiently. Meditation is not easy, and sticking with it is a challenge, but it could make the difference between being able to cope with stress, and not. What I mean is, this could be a way to “man up” and increase your mental resilience – and fortify yourself against situations that might otherwise make you feel very uncomfortable.
“Prepare the child for the road, and not the road for the child.”
There are so many variables out in the world, that asking it to conform to your sensibilities and frailties is not only impossible, but foolish. Better to work on yourself, diligently, so that you are as ready as you can be for the difficulties that you will inevitably come across.
This, I believe, is the core message behind what Gordon is saying. You can always improve yourself, always improve the levels of physical and mental fortitude you possess, because you never know when you might need them, and when you won’t have anyone there to help you, and because life in general is unfair and difficult.
The other side of the argument says that if you feel that you can’t cope, you need to reach out and get help. This is a very easy position to get behind. There is no question that there has been a stigma around mental health, especially men’s, for decades. I clearly remember conversations with my grandfather, who had fought in World War II. He very obviously had PTSD. It eventually ruined his life, especially as he got older, and his marriage, and his relationships. He came back from war, where he had a gun in his hand and was shooting at enemies and seeing his friends get shot, and was given an office job and expected to make the transition without any issue. He should have sought out help for himself, same as any person who experiences trauma like that should. But it was either unavailable or considered unmanly to do so. This is the difference between knowing when to man up and when not to. I would imagine, in a muddy field in France clutching a gun and facing the enemy, would be the perfect time to man the fuck up. There is nobody coming to help you, and you will not survive unless you do. But back home, when you have the opportunity to do so, you should seek help.
There is also the argument to be made that it is worth seeking help before something becomes an issue. Why wait until a clinical intervention is needed to get help? Why wait until something terrible happens, or the condition becomes severe, and the subsequent treatment needed is far more demanding and intensive, and has a lesser chance to succeed? If you are unsure, seek help. If your feelings of frustration or sadness are overwhelming, get help.
There are certain cases where no amount of manning up will help. Clinical depression – which, as I understand it, is a chemical imbalance in the brain – cannot be fixed without medical intervention. Telling someone who is depressed to cheer up, man up, sort themselves out, to suffer in silence, is almost criminal.
I think a measured approach is necessary. Yes, it is worth trying to build your mental and physical resilience, by enduring certain hardships – whether they are voluntary or not. Yes, in certain situations, you do need to bite down and do the work, no matter how difficult or unpleasant it might be. But in fact, you might need help, and if you are unsure, it’s always better to reach out to someone than not. Keep an eye on yourself and discuss how you are feeling with your friends, and if you haven’t got any, then call an organisation or a professional.
I can say that I have never suffered with any diagnosed mental health issues, but I have had issues including panic attacks and anxiety (running out of a Tokyo restaurant feeling like I was having a heart attack and locking myself in a hotel room alone for four days was most unpleasant), and probably some mild depression. However, I have been able to pull myself out of them, not because I am particularly special or macho or anything like that, but probably because I have always pushed my own boundaries and sought out challenges and adventures – or had them thrust upon me – that have helped with my reserves of resilience.
As Paddy Pimblett recently said, “I feel terrible. Me dog’s done a big sloppy shit and I can’t even pick it up with a poo bag, yerknowaddamean?”
I am not a medical professional, check these places out if you’re feeling bad.
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/help-for-suicidal-thoughts/
Matt Benyon 
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