A few years ago, my oldest son was acting up. In the grand scheme of things, they were minor incidences of misbehaviour, but they began to add up and accumulate. Soon, it felt like things were slipping out of control. We were like two ships going in opposite directions – missing the mark on all our interactions, life playing out differently than I had hoped or envisioned, constant arguments, tantrums… The school that he was attending offered a ‘pastoral care’ service, which I had always dismissed as some kind of religious nonsense. But, exasperated, we decided to give it a go. To my great surprise, the teacher did not mention religion once, and instead gave us the two best pieces of parenting advice I have ever heard.

First, do not get angry. This might seem obvious at first, but it isn’t, and it’s also very hard to put into practice. Getting angry leaves you no leeway for further action. It shows that you are not in control of your emotions, and you are teaching your child to show anger when frustrated. Our children do not learn from what we say, they learn from what we do. I promised myself that, for as long as it took, I would not get angry. I could be firm, and strict, but I would not shout or outwardly display anger. This was not easy. With every bit of backchat, with every disobeyed rule, I felt my anger rising, but I made a conscious decision not to show it. It gradually became easier, and soon, became like a superpower. I was just not angry, and this served to douse the fire that my kids were often trying to stoke. You need to be 100% committed to it though, as they can sense when you aren’t; they perceive little cracks that they can wheedle their way into, to rile you up and get you to say something you regret. Who knows why they do this – the resulting blowup is very unpleasant for all involved, but they really do.

The second bit of advice was to always do what you say you are going to do. Sometimes as parents, we say things without thinking. “If you don’t do your homework today, you can’t play XBox for a week” “If you don’t stop staring at your phone, I will take it away for the rest of the day.” “No more sweets for a week.” Once these words have left your mouth, you must consider them cast-iron rules, set in stone, that it is literally impossible to break. Because if you don’t, every time you do go back on what you said, your authority and your child’s perception of you as a setter of boundaries, is weakened. Making sure that you always do what you say serves a number of functions. Firstly, it sets clear boundaries for your child. A child without boundaries is in freefall, in chaos. Secondly, it makes you stop and think about what you are going to say for a moment. The key is to combine this point with the first point – so, say something, then stick to it, then do not get angry when it is inevitably pushed up against. These two rules together are incredibly powerful. I have plenty of examples where my kids have misbehaved, and I have stopped and thought and said, for example, “If you do that again, you will not have your phone for 24 hours.” If they misbehave again, that is it. The phone is gone. There will be pushback – sometimes severe, sometimes lasting hours, but you must not get angry and you must not change your mind. My kids have pushed back on things like this hard, but only short term. Once they see you are serious, and unflappable, they stop arguing. Even though, even if they return to you and apologise or begin to behave, the original punishment must still stand. I have done this to my kids many times and almost every time they have returned to me having fully understood the situation and accepted the punishment, and the parent / child bond becomes stronger. It is my opinion that a child does not need you to be their friend (for the most part.) They need you to be their parent. They have plenty of friends that they can mess about with and break rules with. Your job is to set boundaries and guide them.

I do not say this because I am a big fan of arguing with my kids, or being extremely strict, or having huge meltdowns when punishments are implemented. I am saying it because it worked for me, almost miraculously. Do what you say you are going to do, and do not get angry. For me, it took two weeks of this to completely fix the behavioural issues (at least in the short term.) As you begin to relax, and relent, notice how their behaviour changes. If you find your kids misbehaving or causing stress at home, go back and see if you can identify times you have said one thing but done another, not followed through with what you have said, and times you have lost your temper. I am sure you will find a connection.